Children and Divorce |

February 19, 2011

What Are Some Divorce Tips To Eliminate The Guilt?

As a Psychologist, a common concern I see amongst parents is what I call Single Parent Guilt.

It comes up often so here are some divorce tips to help you eliminate the guilt.

Parents that are divorced or divorcing frequently tell me they experience feeling heavy, are dragging, and actually feel like they are having a hard time breathing. After ruling out any kind of medical condition, it becomes clear that they are carrying a heavy mental burden and it’s affecting them physically.

Often it’s guilt, and it’s the gift that just… keeps… on… giving…

They think because they chose to divorce that they are ruining their kids, and they have horrible fears in regards to their children having ruined lives because of it.

Let me ask you a question. What is your definition of guilt?

In order for you to be guilty, you would have to have had an intent to harm and follow through on that intent. Then you would be guilty. If this is not something you’ve done, then you are not guilty.

Although you experience the emotional side and the feelings side of guilty, it does not mean that you actually are guilty.

One thing you can take ownership of, you and your ex, is that you are responsible for changing the family, and you are responsible for the divorce. When you choose to divorce and families are going to have two different homes and have different lives, yes, you have to own that.

That is a choice that you have made with your ex.

By making that choice, you must have felt that it was the best solution for you, your ex, and your children, to no longer stay a family unit.

So the divorce was not an intent to injure, but rather an intent to help and heal the whole family emotionally.

So you can stop dragging yourself around, beating yourself up, and feeling guilty.

Instead, put energy into being healthy, being emotionally available for yourself and for your children, and walk with the intent that you are doing this for the health and the love of your family.

Read more divorce tips at http://empoweringchildrenofdivorce.com.

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill is a Psychologist and published author specializing in families and children navigating through divorce.

For over 26 years, “Dr. SueAnne,” as she is known, has supported thousands of parents, families and children in her private practice, in workshops, and in her popular blog.

Article Source: http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Are-Some-Divorce-Tips-To-Eliminate-The-Guilt?&id=5883336

P.S. Have you checked out this resource? “Healing Broken Families”

Not only will this help you with your feelings of guilt, but many other important topics that affect you before, during and after divorce.

Check it out here: Healing Broken Families

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What Are Some Divorce Tips To Eliminate The Guilt?

Children and Divorce |

February 16, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Divorce Tips | Are You Trying To Be A Super-Parent?

Are you trying to be a Super-Parent… Trying to handle absolutely everything by yourself for you and your child as a result of the divorce?

This can be quite a balancing act, and one that you may be experiencing right now. So here are some divorce tips surrounding trying to be a Super-Parent.

Many of my clients report feeling like a horrible mess of guilt and fear attached to their decision about parting, and one of the responses that can occur is what I call Magical Thinking.

Magical Thinking is when you think yourself… “Alright then, I’ll just do it all. I’ll take it all on and I’ll be everything to everyone, especially my children.”

This is one way to attempt to undo and make up for the pain and distress you may feel you have caused your kids.

This Magical Thinking then can trigger the hero role of the Super-Parent. Although it’s true you are capable of amazing feats, at the end of the day… you can only do so much alone and that is to be human.

So rather than trying to be a Super-Parent, be a Healthy Parent.

What is a Healthy Parent?

As a Healthy Parent you are emotionally stable and balanced, able to be present and engaged with your child on a daily basis, able to follow through with your commitments, and spend quality time with your children.

As a Healthy Parent you also set appropriate boundaries so your children can have a sense of direction, and feel that you are their anchor and their guide through life.

So being a Healthy Parent takes the pressure off you to be a Super-Parent, and your role of being a Healthy Parent will help you and your children endure today and forever…

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children Of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com

Speaking of being a Healthy Parent, I have created a resource for you called “Healing Broken Families” to help you with difficult issues surrounding divorce.

By being a Healthy Parent you are in a better position to raise Healthy Kids.

Learn more about that here: Healing Broken Families

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Divorce Tips | Are You Trying To Be A Super-Parent?

Children and Divorce |

February 10, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

What Are The Effects Of Divorce On Children When Friends And Relatives Become Distant?

A lot of families want to talk to me about boundaries relating to friends, relatives and neighbors after the divorce.

When families divorce, there is a disruption so to speak amongst your circle of friends and family that came with the blending of these relationships through marriage. As a result you may see these people stepping back a bit and distancing themselves.

For the children, this sudden distancing of important figures in their lives is confusing and upsetting. They may even believe they did something to cause that.

Unfortunately, this is one of the effects of divorce on children and it needs to be addressed.

It kind of goes unspoken, but there are a lot of assumptions made by family and friends. They often feel that the one they are blood related to, or a relative of, or the first one of you they became friends with, are the ones that they should align with.

Although blood is thick so to speak, and as an ex you don’t want to interfere with any of those relationships, if you have been married and have years of a healthy and loving friendship in this circle, it doesn’t mean it has to end.

Keeping the best interest of the children in mind especially, you want to keep these healthy relationships in tact.

In conversations with the loved ones and people that have been in your shared life, communicate to them that both you and your children would like to stay connected. Ask them what they feel needs to happen to help them be comfortable so that no ones feels violated or betrayed.

Communication is the key here as it is in so many relationships.

So as time goes on and you encounter members of your circle of friends and relatives, one by one, have this conversation.

Communicate what your wishes are, and what your desires are, and see where they are with that. Then continue or nourish the relationship so that it can stay healthy and in tact.

Continue to support your child in maintaining these relationships as well with the understanding that some of those relationships may look different from what they have known moving forward.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Support System Inc.
Founder of Empowering Children Of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com

P.S. Speaking of support, I have created a resource for you called “Healing Broken Families” to help you with the most challenging issues surrounding divorce.

More information about that here.

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What Are The Effects Of Divorce On Children When Friends And Relatives Become Distant?

Children and Divorce |

January 14, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Effects Of Divorce On Children: Have They Stopped Talking About It?

I’m wondering if you find that your children, once you’ve broken the news… have stopped talking about the divorce.

You may have had a discussion and felt good about how you broke the news, and that your kids heard you.

But now… perhaps days and weeks are passing… and there are absolutely no questions or conversations coming to you or your ex from the children about the family divorcing.

This is one of the effects of divorce on children.

So… have your children stopped talking about it?

If this is happening, it’s normal, it’s a common occurrence.

It’s a defense mechanism, and that defense mechanism is denial. If they don’t speak about it, then they won’t have to feel the pain, worry, or concern that surrounds the divorcing family.

It’s actually a natural mechanism. So many kids are just trying to maintain what they know, and hoping that maybe that conversation is just going to go away. Or, they just don’t want to talk about it because it just brings up a lot of pain.

Families divorcing means many changes are imminent. Change is uncomfortable and many adults and kids fear it. You tend to want to embrace what you know, your comfort zone.

The good news is.. there is something you can do.

Create a special notebook
You start the conversation
Review and respond daily
Keep the conversation alive

Get a notebook and label it on the cover “Family Journal”. In it you will put questions and thoughts about the divorce.

Then… Tell your kids that you bought this journal and it’s going to be in a very public place, like on the kitchen table or a coffee table. It’s going to be in a place where anyone who has a question, thought, or has something to express, can write openly in it.

You’ll want to be the first one to put an entry in it. It can be something as simple as “This is our Family Journal. Write in here anything that you wish. It will our way to share our thoughts and feelings about our family divorcing.”

It’s important that as you use this “Family Journal”, that you look at the it on a daily basis. This way, you can respond quickly either by writing back to your child that has written something in it, or you can talk to them directly about what they are feeling.

If you find that your kids aren’t using it but you find them reading the things that you are writing in it, that’s OK, that’s very powerful as well.

The Family Journal helps in the times when kids are not verbalizing and are having a tough time talking about the family divorcing and their thoughts and feelings around that.

It gives them a more private way of expressing themselves and you’re honoring that by giving them in a different venue of communication.

Many families I have worked with have used the Family Journal technique with great success and have kept it up for years.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Support System Inc.

P.S. Now there’s finally a way for you to stop wasting precious time and instantly get answers to your most burning questions around the topic of children and divorce. A way for you to start today, right now, learning and taking action on things to help you and your children.

It’s called “Healing Broken Families – 12 Simple Steps To Help You Navigate Through Divorce” and it’s a VERY POWERFUL resource for you.

You can get it here: http://empoweringchildrenofdivorce.com/healingbrokenfamilies

P.P.S. This incredible resource was recorded with love in one take in a deep, emotionally charged question and answer interview format with my colleagues Chief Robert and Terri Lynn TallTree asking the burning questions, and providing additional insight.

For more than twenty years audiences around the world have been touched by the message and powerful presence of the TallTrees. They are nationally renowned speakers and trainers and have appeared on PBS, the BBC, Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel.

It was such a pleasure to produce this with them and make it availabe for you NOW.

“Healing Broken Families: 12 Simple Steps To Help You Navigate Through Divorce”

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