Children and Divorce |

May 1, 2011

Divorce Tips: When To Stop Texting And Start Talking?

It’s occurring more and more frequently, and it’s causing a lot of people distress. It’s fast, it’s easy, it’s popular, and it can be all consuming.

It’s texting, and people are using text messaging as a substitution for real conversation and it is causing HUGE challenges in relationships.

Text messages can be VERY misinterpreted, especially during times when emotions and sensitivities are running high like during a divorce.

Texting has become such a popular way of connecting with people, venting, or expressing oneself that for some, normal verbal communication via phone or face to face has become secondary and even uncomfortable.

I’m witnessing text messaging effects every day in my practice and offering up divorce tips on this. Not only from having patients having to interrupt sessions to text a response to someone, but also bringing in their cell phones to share with me texts that have gone back and forth between themselves and others trying to decipher the code and interpret the meaning of the words in the message.

Text messages get lost in translation so to speak because the sender has one thing in mind that they are trying to express, but the receiver sees the words in the message through their own filter, and makes an interpretation of the message

Unfortunately, these two things, the senders intention, and the receivers interpretation of the text message often don’t match, and the seed of a miscommunication begins.

Beyond that, there is always the possibility that the person actually typing a text to you is not even the person you think it is. Don’t be surprised, I have seen this happen many times where someone else will grab the phone, craft a response and hit send.

When it comes to important emotional issues regarding your family going through a divorce, I strongly suggest not texting sensitive communications.

When you read a text message, it’s almost like you can hear the senders voice in your head as you read the words. Depending on how you are interpreting those words, you’ll assign a tone to them, and that tone can either lift you, upset you, or have neutral meaning based on your interpretation of the tone you think they were written in.

Words can affect your energy with your kids.

For example, let’s say you’re with your children at dinner at a restaurant and a text message comes in. Maybe it contains some words that are being expressed from the other end that you interpret negatively. Your reaction to those words can completely shift the energy and the mood of your dinner that you’re having with your children.

One of my first divorce tips to avoid reactions like that is to put the cell phones away when you are spending time with your children. For awhile, just be present with one another and enjoy the live conversation that you have together.

This is an important concept and not just for those going through divorce. Children model what we do. By you handling emotional topics face to face or over the phone with a real person and a real voice, your children will learn the value of that and do the same.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com
Ambassador of Children and Divorce HowToLiveOnPurpose.com

P.S. Speaking of communications…

What one way of communicating do you think has the most chance of staying in someones memory for a lifetime? The answer is here.

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Divorce Tips: When To Stop Texting And Start Talking?

March 30, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Divorce Wars: Are You Putting Your Children In The Middle Of A Social Media Battle?

Do you ever find yourself tempted to share details of your divorce or your ex on social networking sites?

When emotions run high, in a moment of impulse, it’s easy to hit the SHARE button, but not so easy to pull it back. I want to caution you about having divorce wars online.

Divorce is a private matter and spilling out details of your divorce via social networking online can put your children in the middle of a social media crossfire that could go public.

Many feel an emotional release with all the social networking options available. It’s a tremendous tool, however it’s not the communication tool to discuss your divorce. Issues with divorce and legal matters are private, and need to be discussed in private.

“There are no secrets on the internet.”

CAUTION: Although you may think that your comments, pictures, tagging, videos and such are only seen by your select friends list online, understand that over time, anything has the potential of leaking out.

Social media sites change their privacy policies frequently. Something that was once contained amongst you and your friends list could one day become public by a change in technology, a policy, or even a computer error.

Beyond that, consider that your now friends, coworkers, and acquaintances will change over time and there is nothing preventing them from resurfacing something months or years from now that you once published online. You don’t want you or your children in the middle of something like that.

Many parents and children have caught themselves expressing or venting on the social networking sites very personal, matters in reference to divorce.

Once something is published, don’t think you can just change your mind and pull it back, the internet and curious eyes are faster than you think.

So when it comes to divorce wars online, I’m here to say, STOP!

Do not use social networking sites as a venue to discuss your family during a divorce.
If there’s something you need to share with a friend or a loved one, do it privately, not where the world can see.

The rule of thumb is: “Do not publish anything online that you would not want public now or in the future.” This will protect both you and your kids.

Remind your children that although it’s important to share and discuss divorce matters, it should be done in a safe private way with friends, loved ones and professionals, not in social media online.

Utilize social networking sites to socialize and update others about what you want the world to know, but make sure it’s the kind of information that will bring no harm to anyone now or in the future.

The internet is a wonderful communication tool. Remember what it was designed for and use social media responsibly.

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com
Ambassador of Children and Divorce, HowToLiveOnPurpose.com

P.S. Speaking of tools for communication, by taking The 21-Day “I AM a Gift to the World!” Challenge you can communicate to your child and others just how important they are to you.

Click on the banner below to help them see in themselves what you see in them.

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Divorce Wars Are You Putting Your Children In The Middle Of A Social Media Battle?

Children and Divorce |

March 16, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Are Text And Phone Battles Putting Your Children In The Middle?

Let’s talk about confidential conversations.

Do you find yourself walking into your pantry or stepping out on your porch to avoid your children hearing your telephone conversations?

If you do, give yourself a Gold Star!

Phone conversations and text messages can get very personal and you don’t want to put your children in the middle of a conversation where something is said that you can never pull back.

By being conscientious of your chatter, you are protecting your children from worries and concerns.

Especially because they may hear only parts of your conversations with a confidante or a friend and they will draw conclusions from those fragments.

During this time of transition, you might find yourself reaching out, texting, and calling loved ones more often. This is healthy. Reach out to loved ones, talk with them, gain their support, but along the way, stay aware and keep your childrens eyes and ears away as you have these conversations.

Kids have natural and instinctual abilities to tune into their parents.

Listening to your current phone conversations and seeing your emotions is a way they monitor and assess their world and how you are doing.

So continue to keep your conversations private with your friends and loved ones as you discuss your divorce, legal issues, etc.

Keep your phone and text messages in your possession!

To be extra safe, DELETE sent and received messages and voice mail messages as soon as you read or listen to them if they are sensitive.

Don’t leave your phone sitting around on the kitchen table or in an area where your kids might see a text come in and be curious to find out who is texting you and what it says.

Your kids may come up to you as you’re talking or you’ve walked away into your bedroom or out onto your porch. It’s okay for you to tell them that you are having a private conversation and that you will be done shortly and will come back in and talk to them.

By not putting your children in the middle and honoring and protecting them in this way, you can continue to navigate through this journey of divorce in a peaceful, loving way.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com
Ambassador of Children and Divorce

P.S. Speaking of communication… Of all the different ways we have to communicate, do you know what the single most powerful way is? The answer can be found here.

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Are Text And Phone Battles Putting Your Children In The Middle?

Children and Divorce |

March 13, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Divorce Tips: What If You And Your Ex Can’t Afford To Live Apart?

So, you’ve gone through all the steps to legally divorce, but now you don’t have the means to physically separate and live in different households?

This is common for a lot of couples today and I’m finding myself in sessions helping them navigate through how to actually continue to emotionally and physically go through the healing process of divorcing and yet still live together.

This can be very confusing for you and your children.

So, what are some divorce tips on how to handle this?

You can communicate to your kids clearly, that although you may still be living together, you are living together as a divorced couple.

You can explain that financially you’ve built your lives on a two-parent income, and it will take some time to separate financially. This way, they have an understanding why you are still living together.

Until you are financially able to live apart, you will be co-parenting and living like financial roommates.

Another one of my divorce tips is for you and your children to to set up a parenting calendar so your kids know who the go-to parent is for that day. Then, even though you may be physical around, do your best to stay out of the way of the parent that is actively parenting that day.

This doesn’t mean that you have to stay out of the house 100% of the time or hide out in a cubby hole, but on the other parents day, you do need to redirect your children if at all possible.

Remind them that this is their father’s day or their mother’s day and that the drive to practice or to pick up first goes to the parent of that day, and as backup, you can be the next parental figure that they come to.

Sleep in separate quarters. You cannot sleep together in the same bed and, for yourselves and for your children, be communicating that you are divorcing. That is just too emotionally complicated for everyone.

Have separate quarters, and do not show physical affection to your ex.

This does not mean don’t be kind and respectful, but you’re not going to be showing physical affection like you would if you were married.

Realize that this is a unique situation and it is temporary.

Practicing these divorce tips with your family and with your ex will provide healthy, post-divorce boundaries.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com
Ambassador of Children and Divorce, HowToLiveOnPurpose.com

P.S. Is living with your ex leaving you feeling tired, stressed out and in a constant state of overwhelm?

If you are ready for a change, this could be just what you need right now!

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Children and Divorce |

March 2, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

How Does Divorce Affect Children When You Get Frustrated?

I wanted to talk today about practicing patience and kindness towards yourself and your children.

You might be feeling short on patience and kindness lately as your emotional fuel tank feels like it’s running low. You may even feel that it’s empty at this point.

Changes with the family require much more time, energy and thought on day to day activities as a family is navigating through divorce. As a result, there are many physical and emotional changes that are occurring.

You might feel that your children are being more needy or clingy.

All this is very normal.

Anytime you’re going through physical and emotional changes your senses become more alert. You become more hyper aware and therefore you might ask a question twice for example.

You might be a little bit more obsessed with the decisions that you’re making, which feels like you’re extending yourself more than your usual day to day.

So how does divorce affect children when you get frustrated?

Your kids are like mirrors projecting back to you the emotions you are projecting out. So it’s important that you recharge yourself so you can be more patient with yourself and your children?

It starts with you!

Firstly, set aside 20 minutes a day just for you.

In this focused 20 minutes you want to visualize yourself actually filling up your emotional fuel tank. Kind of like pulling into a gas station in your car and putting that pump in. When that gas gauge goes up you have a sense of well being and confidence that you can get to where you’re going.

Do this for yourself everyday. Make sure you have enough personal fuel to get comfortably to where you have to go and to do what you have to do.

So how do you do that?

Well, many have told me they actually have to lock themselves into the their bathroom at home. They lock the door. They might take a cup of hot tea in with them. They might take a magazine, or actually take a bath.

During that time, they just allow themselves that private 20 minutes to recharge and refuel. In the bathroom they find that there are simply less interruptions.

Alternatives to hiding out in the bathroom can be 20 minutes of meditation in an area in your house, or exercise for 20 minutes, or stretch and do some yoga.

Secondly, you want to give focused time to your children.

You gave time to yourself, now give them their time, give them all the time you can. Be unconditional with them, be pleasant and be present.

So in answering the question how does divorce affect children when you get frustrated, the answer lies in you.

By you committing time each day to both yourself and your child you will feel your patience begin to grow and they will feel that as well.

Communicate with your mind, your body, your words, and your actions a peaceful and relaxed state and then… watch the world around you relax.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com
Ambassador of Children and Divorce, HowToLiveOnPurpose.com

P.S. Speaking of communicating, taking The 21-Day “I AM a Gift to the World!” Challenge is a great way to communicate to your child and others just how important they are.

Click on the image below to make someone shine today in a way they will remember forever.

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Children and Divorce |

February 25, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Divorce Advice: How Can I Gain More Parenting Time Out Of Each Day?

Are you feeling like you need a few more hours added to your day to get it all done?

Are you wanting some divorce advice on how to get more of that special parenting time with your child, especially since your family is going through a transition, and you’re feeling like you need to connect a little bit more?

Well, you’re not alone. Most people, whether going through a divorce or not, feel over-worked, overwhelmed, and over-committed, and kids lives tend to be just as busy…

In order for there to be a healthy balance and a healthy relationship with your child, you really don’t need extra hours in your day.

What you do need is to make a conscious effort to spend 20 minutes with your child a day, every day, that is devoted to them and uninterrupted.

There’s been a lot of interesting research indicating that spending that just 20 minutes of undivided attention with your child a day will fill their bucket so to speak, and fill yours as well.

So, what are some of the things you can do in that 20 minutes?

For the younger child you want to get into their world. You can play a board game, play with their dolls with them, or play with toy cars and trucks. Get down to their level, actually get on the floor and play.

As kids get older, that 20 minutes of time will be spent differently. It can be a tea time or hot chocolate after school to talk where you can catch up on the day. It could even be when you’re driving in the car or when you’re going grocery shopping together.

In the car, resist the temptation to turn off music to try get them to talk. Let the radio play. The radio playing the music they like combined with the distractions all around as you drive and not facing each other directly may be just the formula to get them to open up and start sharing.

Whether they admit it or not, kids grow to love this one-on-one time and parents do as well.

In the evening kids tend to be most receptive to talking about things. The divorce advice I give parents is to just be available for them. You don’t even don’t even have to talk. Just be with them and let them initiate and control the conversation.

This kind of daily time together is very doable and is priceless for both of you.

You know, one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is to acknowledge them for their place in your life and in the world. You can experience that at a whole new level by taking The 21-Day “I AM a Gift to the World!” Challenge below.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com
Ambassador of Children and Divorce, HowToLiveOnPurpose.com

By taking The 21-Day “I AM a Gift to the World!” Challenge, you can start making a difference not only for your child, but for others who most need it.

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Children and Divorce |

February 19, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

What Are Some Divorce Tips To Eliminate The Guilt?

As a Psychologist, a common concern I see amongst parents is what I call Single Parent Guilt.

It comes up often so here are some divorce tips to help you eliminate the guilt.

Parents that are divorced or divorcing frequently tell me they experience feeling heavy, are dragging, and actually feel like they are having a hard time breathing. After ruling out any kind of medical condition, it becomes clear that they are carrying a heavy mental burden and it’s affecting them physically.

Often it’s guilt, and it’s the gift that just… keeps… on… giving…

They think because they chose to divorce that they are ruining their kids, and they have horrible fears in regards to their children having ruined lives because of it.

Let me ask you a question. What is your definition of guilt?

In order for you to be guilty, you would have to have had an intent to harm and follow through on that intent. Then you would be guilty. If this is not something you’ve done, then you are not guilty.

Although you experience the emotional side and the feelings side of guilty, it does not mean that you actually are guilty.

One thing you can take ownership of, you and your ex, is that you are responsible for changing the family, and you are responsible for the divorce. When you choose to divorce and families are going to have two different homes and have different lives, yes, you have to own that.

That is a choice that you have made with your ex.

By making that choice, you must have felt that it was the best solution for you, your ex, and your children, to no longer stay a family unit.

So the divorce was not an intent to injure, but rather an intent to help and heal the whole family emotionally.

So you can stop dragging yourself around, beating yourself up, and feeling guilty.

Instead, put energy into being healthy, being emotionally available for yourself and for your children, and walk with the intent that you are doing this for the health and the love of your family.

Read more divorce tips at http://empoweringchildrenofdivorce.com.

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill is a Psychologist and published author specializing in families and children navigating through divorce.

For over 26 years, “Dr. SueAnne,” as she is known, has supported thousands of parents, families and children in her private practice, in workshops, and in her popular blog.

Article Source: http://ezinearticles.com/?What-Are-Some-Divorce-Tips-To-Eliminate-The-Guilt?&id=5883336

P.S. Have you checked out this resource? “Healing Broken Families”

Not only will this help you with your feelings of guilt, but many other important topics that affect you before, during and after divorce.

Check it out here: Healing Broken Families

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What Are Some Divorce Tips To Eliminate The Guilt?

Children and Divorce |

February 16, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Divorce Tips | Are You Trying To Be A Super-Parent?

Are you trying to be a Super-Parent… Trying to handle absolutely everything by yourself for you and your child as a result of the divorce?

This can be quite a balancing act, and one that you may be experiencing right now. So here are some divorce tips surrounding trying to be a Super-Parent.

Many of my clients report feeling like a horrible mess of guilt and fear attached to their decision about parting, and one of the responses that can occur is what I call Magical Thinking.

Magical Thinking is when you think yourself… “Alright then, I’ll just do it all. I’ll take it all on and I’ll be everything to everyone, especially my children.”

This is one way to attempt to undo and make up for the pain and distress you may feel you have caused your kids.

This Magical Thinking then can trigger the hero role of the Super-Parent. Although it’s true you are capable of amazing feats, at the end of the day… you can only do so much alone and that is to be human.

So rather than trying to be a Super-Parent, be a Healthy Parent.

What is a Healthy Parent?

As a Healthy Parent you are emotionally stable and balanced, able to be present and engaged with your child on a daily basis, able to follow through with your commitments, and spend quality time with your children.

As a Healthy Parent you also set appropriate boundaries so your children can have a sense of direction, and feel that you are their anchor and their guide through life.

So being a Healthy Parent takes the pressure off you to be a Super-Parent, and your role of being a Healthy Parent will help you and your children endure today and forever…

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children Of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com

Speaking of being a Healthy Parent, I have created a resource for you called “Healing Broken Families” to help you with difficult issues surrounding divorce.

By being a Healthy Parent you are in a better position to raise Healthy Kids.

Learn more about that here: Healing Broken Families

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Children and Divorce |

February 7, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Why Do Children Of Divorced Families Blame Themselves?

Children will often blame themselves for the divorce.

I know parents would never consciously blame their child for the divorce… So why is it that so many children of divorced families blame themselves for their mother and fathers split?

I’ve had the opportunity to talk to many kids over the past few decades in my practice and can offer you some insight to this question.

Kids’ ears are like radar. Although it may seem like they are not listening to you or have selective hearing, they are very tuned in. They pick up on what parents are saying and will form a story around that.

It will become their story, and unless you are aware of what their story is you can only guess. You may be surprised to discover that their story is nothing like your story. Their story might be that they are blaming themselves for why you and your ex have chosen to divorce.

You can absolutely avoid this for your child and not have them carrying around shame and blame that their parents are divorcing.

So what can you do?

Be careful of what you are saying and where you are saying it.

You might be talking to your ex on the phone for example, or even in the other room, and you might be discussing who is driving your son to hockey or who is paying for your daughter’s dance lesson that night.

If there’s an argument in pursuit of one of those issues, this is a way that your kid may decode that they are the reason for your distress and the choice you made to part.

So be very conscientious of your discussions with your ex or with anybody that you might be talking to about your children.

Explain to your child why it is that you and your partner have chosen to divorce. Communicate clearly to them that they have nothing to do with the choice that the parents are divorcing. Tell them that both parents love them and that this is adult stuff, and that you will be their for them 100% and continue to love and parent them. Help them understand clearly that they have nothing to do with your decision to part.

This clarification from you, them hearing your words, will help minimize the weight on their shoulders so they do not feel like they had something to do with the distress that it caused you to divorce.

Whether they say it verbally or not, children want and need your love, support, and reassurance that everything is going to be OK on this journey of divorce.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Support System Inc.
Founder of Empowering Children Of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com

P.S. Speaking of a journey. Here is a journey that you and your child can do together that is both fun and creative and will deepen the powerful bond between you.

Click on the link or banner below to take: The 21-Day “I AM a Gift to the World!” Challenge

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Children and Divorce |

February 4, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

What Are Some Divorce Tips For Staying Connected With My Children?

Is navigating through a divorce finding you feeling exhausted, down, or even depressed?

Well, you need to remember to make time to have fun with your kids and enjoy the days for yourself, as well.

For weeks and months, you’ve been working your very best to help your children navigate through the changes in the family and be supportive of all the relationships within the family.

All of this can be very mind intensive and emotionally draining, and yet, every day is meant to be enjoyed. So some divorce tips will help to make sure that for yourself and for your children, you are putting fun and pleasure into your days.

So let’s keep in mind that although the family is changing, there are going to be two homes, and things will be different, that doesn’t mean the end of pleasure and fun, which is often what divorce can be associated with.

Brainstorm with your kids about some fun rituals and daily or weekly family activities that you can do together. Don’t worry, these do not have to take a lot of time, planning, preparation or money. They are about being with your kids.

Here are a few ideas…

Pizza night:
Pick one night out of the week where nobody is cooking. Pizza is a good example, or it could be Chinese food, or whatever your family’s favorite food is. That one night of the week, everyone can count on that being what you are going to eat. They will look forward to that night each week and enjoy being at the table and the pleasure of that favorite food and the time together.

Game night:
With a game night, you can alternate who gets to choose the game that’s going to be played that week. You might pick the first time what game you want to play. The next week, you let your son or your daughter, and the next week the other sibling would pick. Set aside an hour to enjoy time together playing a game.

Movie night:
After dinner when everyone has their chores and homework done, make some popcorn and enjoy a movie together. It could be on the weekend or close to the weekend. Pick a night where there are not a lot of other demands. Alternate who picks the movie so that everyone has a sense of leadership and ownership.

It’s interesting to see the variety of thoughts, feelings and ideas based on what they choose for a movie. You could even have some conversation around that to gain clarity on what they’re feeling and what they’re liking at the time.

Chef for the night:
Designate a chef for a meal. Give your child the opportunity to pick what they’re going to actually cook for the family. Note: Fast food and carry out don’t count for this. Cooking for the family allows them to express themselves and get more practice on an important life skill that far too many kids these days don’t have called cooking.

Be creative and see what you can come up with together

Practice being in the moment during these special times and then expand that habit throughout the day every day. Cherish time spent together and all the relationships that form your world.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Support System Inc.
Founder of Empowering Children Of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com

P.S. Speaking of relationships one of the most powerful things you can do for another person is to bring to their awareness just how special they really are.

Now there is a fun and creative way to deliver that message to them.

Visit the link below to take The 21-Day “I AM a Gift to the World!” Challenge.