Children and Divorce |

February 1, 2011

What Are Some Divorce Tips For When A Parent Moves Out?

I want to talk about children of divorced families that share some common fears when a parent moves out and what they tend to be.

Many children young and old have fear of their parents separating. Beyond that, their next most common fear is wondering how their life is going to change.

When a parent moves out, questions asked from children tend to center around day to day activities and events. Questions like…

Who will I live with?
How will I get to my after school activities?
Who will be there for me when I get home from school?

The list could go on and on for them depending on their age and the activities that they do.

So here are some divorce tips for when a parent moves out…

Parents, you need to respond to your child’s concerns.

One thing you can do is make a calendar so that they know the dates and times, and who is taking them.

It’s also a good idea to write down numbers of your cell phone, grandparent’s phone numbers, neighbor’s phone numbers etc. They can keep it in their backpack or their wallet, then if they’re in need of connecting with someone, it’s already in their cell phone or they have a list of these numbers.

A white board or cork board is good or any kind of schedule you can put up in the kitchen where people can write to each other. This provides comfort because from morning until night your child knows everyone’s whereabouts and which parent is going to be their contact and supporter for the day.

All these tools will help reduce anxiety about unknowns that your child might be experiencing.
I encourage both parents to do this.

It’s all about communication and knowing, and those two things will help reduce many fears.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children Of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com

P.S. When was the last time you challenged yourself?

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What Are Some Divorce Tips For When A Parent Moves Out?

Children and Divorce |

January 28, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

How Does Divorce Affect Children When They Catch You?

I want to bring up a sensitive question that is not asked of me very often, but is one that I feel that is very important to talk about. It does come up however in many relationships if there’s a divorce and needs to be brought to the surface and discussed.

On the topic of how does divorce affect children, the question is: Can I have a new boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night if the kids are already sleeping?

And the answer is NO and here’s why…

This isn’t a question that I get often because I think that on some level, most parents know the answer, but their own emotional desires and wanting to be connected and feel close to the other person override.

It’s normal to want to rationalize why you are the exception, how your circumstances are somehow different, why this might be okay. But it’s still not OK.

It’s never okay to have your boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night if your child does not know them and does not have a relationship with them.

If they’re small or even older. The age does not matter.

It’s all about honoring the family. Honoring yourself and your children and navigating through the divorce minimizing it’s affect.

So until there is a relationship and discussion and some boundaries are set, never allow your boyfriend or girlfriend to spend the night when your children are there, even if they’re sound asleep (as far as you know).

I know that a lot of parents will say, “Well we can come in for awhile and they can leave before the kids ever get out of bed”. But, there is always potential for that moment when your child wakes up unexpectedly and sees you with someone in your bedroom or wherever.

This could be a huge injury and one that you have complete control over avoiding.

Take no chances!

It’s normal and healthy for you to want to have intimacy with someone that you have strong feelings for and I encourage this in healthy relationships. But, I want to reinforce that wherever you do this, have it be in a place that no child will be exposed to your intimacy and contact.

There will be a time as your relationship grows and your children are introduced that you might have your boyfriend or girlfriend spend the night. This is not something that is ever done without your child having a relationship, knowing the person and understanding the boundaries of such an arrangement.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children Of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com

P.S. In our lifetime we will be presented with many ways to make a difference. Here is one of my favorites.

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How Does Divorce Affect Children When They Catch You?

Children and Divorce |

January 27, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Divorce Advice: When Can I Introduce My Child To My New Boyfriend Or Girlfriend?

This is a great question I am asked often in my practice and and without giving very specific boundaries, I’m going to give you some ideas to consider.

So here is some divorce advice on when you can introduce your child to your new boyfriend or girlfriend.

Let some seasons pass.
Make sure your child is ready.
Time and place the meeting.
Control who will be there.
Don’t rush it.

Firstly, you don’t want to introduce your child until two or three seasons have passed that you have been dating this person exclusively and have find yourself being very committed to them. You need to have a sense that this is going to be a long-term relationship.

So you are letting months pass… six to nine months… and you are letting your relationship unfold and get stronger. When you feel like you know that this is the person you are going to be spending a lot more time with and have projected out for months and years to come, that’s when you decide you would like your children to also share in this relationship.

Secondly, you need to know when you approach your child about this. Talk and listen to them to test the water and see if they’re ready to meet this person that’s been in your life for six to nine months.

If they are, great, and you can make the arrangements to meet. If they’re not ready, then do not push it. Let more time pass, just a few weeks, or another month and you can bring it up again then.

Thirdly, when you do finally meet to have your child meet your partner, you want to do it in a neutral zone so it won’t be at your house or their house. You can meet in a restaurant, at a park, coffee shop, or some place where there’s no emotional connection other than it’s a public facility or place where anyone can gather.

You’ll want to make the time together limited so that you can say to your child, “Let’s go have lunch or dinner. We’ll be there a few hours and then we’ll leave.” This way your child knows there’s a beginning and an end and it’s not going to be a whole weekend or an all day commitment.

This will be giving them a boundary and helping them reduce some of that anxiety. Also, after the meeting you want to be the one leaving with your child. Even if they’re old enough to drive, you don’t want them to be leaving and you and your new boyfriend or girlfriend staying.

You want to be leaving with them so that you’re honoring your relationship. This is their first contact with this new man or woman and it now gives them an opportunity to share with you their immediate thoughts in regards to the situation.

Also, you don’t want the first contact to be with their whole family. If they have children as well, young or old, or even parents that they live with, you don’t want your child to be walking in meeting a whole extended family. You want them to be meeting this one individual.

So, share some of your feelings about this person when you leave and let your child talk about how they felt about the experience. Let them know how you feel about this person.

This is the first contact and it will be remembered. This is an important step to help them form a healthy relationship with this special person in your life.

Remember there’s no rush! It is not something that’s urgent. It’s a relationship.

Relationships are built upon moments and experiences over a duration of time.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Founder of Empowering Children Of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com

P.S. Do you like Secret Missions? How about Personal Challenges?

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Divorce Advice: When Can I Introduce My Child To My New Boyfriend Or Girlfriend?

Children and Divorce |

January 25, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Effects Of Divorce On Children: When Should I Seek Help?

When is it time to seek professional help when a family is going through a divorce?

Divorce for the whole family is one of life’s most major transitional points. Getting counseling for an individual and the family to discuss the changes that are occurring and the feelings that are being experienced is important.

Just talking in a neutral place with a professional who listens with unconditional regard can be very healing and insightful. This will help minimize the effects of divorce on children.

All people at some point in the first month to first year during divorce should sit down for a few hours and talk to a professional about how they’re doing with the changing family.

It’s more of a question of when to talk to someone, not should you.

Your child’s grief can impact their every day activities.

For example, not doing their homework, not wanting to go to school, having stomach aches or headaches. Things that are impeding on them and not allowing them to participate in their normal day to day activities like suddenly not inviting friends over, not going to friends, or denying invites to gatherings.

These are all red flags that your child is not thriving and they’re trying to hide out and burrow in from the pain that they’re feeling from the transition of divorce.

A really important one that a parent can miss is when a child asks to go and speak to a professional but they aren’t showing any signs. Often, a parent will look at it like their child is doing well and they’re not showing any signs. By asking to go, and then being denied, the child can feel like they are being minimized.

You always want to honor your child’s requests. If they ask to go and speak to a professional, you want to let them know that you heard them, and you will find someone for them to go talk to.

Some kids are great at disguising the emotional pain that they’re feeling inside. The unraveling can take months or years for the pain to reveal itself.

So, if your child asks, honor their request. Find a professional you can have a session with and build a rapport, so you can have someone to consult with along the journey.

It is my strong recommendation that everyone throughout the first year of divorce, should have a few hours to sit and talk to a professional.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill

Founder of Empowering Children Of Divorce
EmpoweringChildrenOfDivorce.com

P.S. Do you love challenges? What about Secret Missions?

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Effects Of Divorce On Children: When Should I Seek Help?

Inspirational Thoughts |

January 23, 2011

| by Ronda Del Boccio ("The Story Lady")

Can Gratitude Bring Stress Relief?

A friend of mine invited me over for a visit. Since I have made the discipline of my mind a focal point, I could not help but notice his negativity.

Oh, it was subtle. He is not the type of person to gossip or lambaste people. He is not a complainer or a grumbler.

No, his negativity is much more subtle. Much more erosive. And I doubt he even realizes it.

He expends a lot of energy on how institutions divide people. He goes on and on about how certain groups ask people to wear blinders to the truth.

Yet he fails to notice how his own thoughts run on a track of negativity.

Maybe you have that same tendency?

I had fun pointing out all the abundance of life that he has. Abundance is not about financial wealth, although that certainly can be a part of it.

No, abundance is truly the nature of reality.

There’s always air to breathe.

A single acorn grows a tree that shelters and feeds dozens or even hundreds of creatures.

One apple seed grows into a tree that nourishes many.

One small tomato seed becomes a plant that feeds people for months.

One smile ignites your spirit for an hour. Or a day.

One random act of kindness brightens a tough day. Maybe a week.

With all this evidence, surely you can answer the question,

Can Gratitude Bring Stress Relief?

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Noticing these blessings—these positive aspects of life—demonstrates appreciation. Expressing thankfulness lifts awareness and appreciation to a higher level of gratitude.

If you eat at least once a day and have somewhere to live, you are more wealthy than most people.

The signs of stress diminish as you celebrate what is going right in your life.

If you have clean clothes to wear (or you could get them clean if only you would do the laundry!), then you are truly fortunate..

How to experience more gratitude.

Be aware of what’s going right in your life.

Count your blessings daily.

Say “thank you” when someone helps you, holds the door or smiles.

Form the habit of awareness of people.

Smile more.

Rest when you need to rest.

Nourish yourself well.

Celebrate the little joys in life.

And join the I Am a Gift to the World Challenge, which is so much fun! You’ll rediscover how to play and enjoy while you change the world.

You’ll find the challenge, and the wonderful community of go-givers, at www.AskTSL.com/gift.

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Children and Divorce |

January 19, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Are Your Children In The Middle Caught Between Jealous Parents?

Have you ever experienced being excited as you picked your child up from your ex… only to find yourself getting irritated by your child’s excitement as they talk about their time spent with their other parent?

At times like these, it can be a “challenge” to share the same level of enthusiasm your child has for the other parent.

Why?

Because right now, you may not be feeling a whole lot of love so to speak toward your ex, and there is a gap between your child’s feelings for the other parent and yours.

In these moments… it’s important that you keep those feelings to yourself.

Yes, you have the right to your feelings and your child has the right to theirs. But please don’t impose your discomfort onto your child either verbally or in non-verbal expression. You never want to put your children in the middle.

For example… Let’s say your child is all excited talking to you about something they did or something they feel about their other parent. You cannot roll your eyes… or do any other non-verbal expression that might give your child a sense that you don’t want to hear about it or are uncomfortable.

Be grateful that they love your ex, and that they enjoy the parenting time they have with them.

Children love unconditionally! You and the other parent both shall receive this from them.

That’s the gift of unconditional love.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Support System Inc.

P.S. I have created a resource for you to instantly get answers to your burning questions surrounding the topic of children and divorce. More information about that here.

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Education Purpose |

January 18, 2011

| by Renee Harrington (The "Spiritual Techie Guru")

What Would Your Life Look Like If You Were Working With Purpose?

If you had all the money you ever needed, would you still being doing what you are doing now?

Are you Working with Purpose? with Passion? Can you tell me why you do the work you are doing?

Every morning when Jillian gets up, she looks in the mirror and asks herself

“what are you doing?”

and every morning she gets the same response –

“I don’t know.”

Jillian feels like her life is in limbo.

She’s raised her children… Lived through a divorce… Has had a brilliant career (ended in downsizing)…

something is very much missing…

and it’s not the children, the pain in the butt ex-husband, or the job.

Every morning when Jillian asks herself that question she feels more and more concerned that her life will be over and she will have missed the boat.

If only she could find something she is passionate about… do you ever feel this way?

What Would Your Life Look Like If You Were Working With Purpose?

You would Inspire and be Inspired
You would know what you Believe in
You would recognize your Why

Purpose… Passion… Success… all starts with your “Why” – watch the video.

Is your job just a paycheck? Or could you work until 3 am and still want to keep going?

Do you know your “Why”?

Take the “I Am a Gift to the World” 21 Day Challenge – It’s FREE!
at www.howtoliveonpurpose.com

Inspire someone…
Inspire yourself…
Discover your Why…
Find out what you Believe in…

and win some great prizes!

Abundant Blessings,
Renee Harrington
The Spiritual Techie Guru
www.aboutspirit.com
a resource for the Entrepreneur and Small Business

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What Would Your Life Look Like If You Were Working With Purpose?

Children and Divorce |

January 17, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Ever Been Tempted To Tell Your Children Divorce Secrets?

Ever find yourself wanting to share some ugly truth about your ex with your children?

Well don’t! This is a moment that many of you may experience but they are not thoughts to share with others, especially your children.

You might feel embarrassed or shameful that you even have these thoughts of wanting to make a negative statement toward your ex with your child, but this experience is common. The trick is to recognize the thought and filter.

Your children mirror you. They can have your looks, your laughter, your mannerisms, and at moments they will remind you not only of yourself but also of your ex.

Depending on where you are in the divorce process, this can set off triggers that can be strong, sometimes uncomfortable, and even negative. You could be tempted to blurt out and tell your children divorce secrets about your ex that are better left untold.

However, you are empowered, you are in control and you take the high road. You have all kinds of thoughts throughout the day both positive and negative. The secret is in how you react to them.

Each time a thought like this is triggered, take a nanosecond and filter. “Choose” not to share, react, or dump any negative comment on your child about your ex. It’s by filtering your thoughts that you are able to do this.

You may notice this experience more frequently early in your divorce. Then as time goes on… you get to a more accepting place of peace an it will lessen.

Then you will be able to look at your child and not experience strong reactions to triggers about your ex.

Until that time comes… honor your child and your relationship with your ex and never share some ugly truths that you may have. Only share good and love.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Support System Inc.

P.S. My “Healing Broken Families – 12 Simple Steps To Help You Navigate Through Divorce” program is now available. Finally, there’s a way for you to stop wasting time and instantly get answers to burning questions on children divorce topics. You’ll want to check it out here.

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Children and Divorce |

January 6, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Children And Divorce: Holding Onto Negative Emotions?

Finding yourself dragging, exhausted, and feeling weighed down?

If you do… these can be signs that you are carrying or holding onto negative emotions.

If you are divorced or divorcing, then you know that you and your children have been going through a great deal of emotional change, role reversals, and responsibility shifting.

Thoughts about your children and divorce can make you feel like an emotional volcano.

So it’s important that you and your children learn how to release emotions so as not to carry them.

Here are some things you can do:

Speak or write your feelings
Practice releasing
Teach your children how
Visualize the waves

When you speak your emotions or write them down, you actually are able to release them in an external way.

Next time you have some uninterrupted time with your kids (eating meals out is a good time for this) have them do this…

Have them write down or draw their feelings on a napkin or piece of paper. Then have them focus their intention and destroy it.

They can tear it into tiny pieces and throw it in a garbage can, they can shred it, burn it, etc… it doesn’t matter how they get rid of it.

What’s important is that they understand why they are doing this and focus their intention on releasing those emotions.

Emotions resonate in your body. Good ones will produce a healthy body and negative ones will produce an unhealthy body.

Disease is really dis-ease in your body.

You can’t be your best if you’re hanging onto anger. Emotions that are from your past, even if it was from yesterday, will intrude on your “now”, and will not let you be the best you can be.

How you handle your emotions and what you do with them is within your control.

As a parent, it’s your responsibility to teach your children how to manage their emotions.

You don’t get in trouble for feelings, but you will for your actions. So it’s important to not let your emotions rule.

Think of your emotions this way…

Imagine now standing at the edge of an ocean with your feet are in the sand and waves are splashing up against you. Some waves come furiously, some come at slower rate and as the waves keep coming you stand there.

Work with the wave energy rather than trying to resist it. You are not standing there trying to hold back the waves, rather you are letting the waves pass through and around you.

Emotions are like waves in the ocean…

They continue to come but they are ever changing so no matter what size, frequency, strength, or shape they may appear as, you stay present and let them pass…

So next time situations come up remember the waves analogy and be a role model for your children by applying these techniques.

In support…

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Support System Inc.

PS: Who do you know show gets stressed over holidays? You can help them out.

I wrote a FREE eBook on the topic of Holiday Stress and it’s not just for the big holidays… the concepts can be applied all… year… long…

It’s called “Handling Holiday Stress – Secrets From A Psychologist You Can Use All Year Long…” and it’s FREE to download or view on screen.

PPS: My wish in writing this FREE eBook is that it would help many with holiday stress.
Send the gift of the FREE eBook to someone you care about who could use some support.

They will thank you for it!

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Children And Divorce: Holding Onto Negative Emotions?

Children and Divorce |

January 3, 2011

| by SueAnne Magyar-Hill, Psy.D.

Signs Of Stress: Are You Letting Your Emotions Run Your Divorce?

How to keep your emotions from running your divorce.

Do you ever feel signs of stress like feeling exhausted or like you are being driven by your emotions?

Well you are not alone. Most feel this way.

Why?

Because you are not a physical being having an emotional experience, you are an emotional and spiritual being having a physical experience.

Knowing this, you need to recognize your emotions and embrace them but not let your emotions run you.

Here are a few tips that will help:

Tune in to your feelings
Respond vs react
Cooperate for mutual benefit

Be aware of your feelings, write them down and talk to loved ones about how you’re feeling.

Most importantly, do not react and make immediate decisions based on how you feel at that given moment. Give yourself a few moments to process your emotions and choose your response.

Many times my clients have had emotional “knee jerk reactions” to things… only later to learn that it’s a struggle to undo those actions.

For example… Let’s say you get a call from the other parent to see if you will switch parenting times because something has come up like a birthday party or a weekend away. At first, this request can feel like a threat or a feeling of loss to you.

Your emotional response could be something like… “No way that’s my time. You have your time I have mine.”

Then sometime in the future, you have a need and you make a similar request to the other parent and oops… Their emotional response may be mirrored back to you as something like, “No way you didn’t help me out last time.”

So rather than having these “knee jerk reactions“, give yourself a moment and choose to respond to these requests rather then react to them and always keep the children’s best interest in mind.

Then whatever your decisions may be, you’ll feel better about your decision and everyone involved will benefit.

Dr. SueAnne Magyar-Hill
Support System Inc

PS: Who do you know that had a difficult time over the holidays? Here is a way you can help them out!

I have produced a FREE eBook on the topic of Holiday Stress and it’s not just for the big holidays… the concepts can be applied all… year… long…

It’s called “Handling Holiday Stress – Secrets From A Psychologist You Can Use All Year Long…” and it’s FREE to download or view on screen.

PPS: My wish in writing this FREE eBook is that it would help many with holiday stress.

So share the gift of the FREE eBook to someone you care about who could use some support.

They will appreciate it!

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Signs Of Stress: Are You Letting Your Emotions Run Your Divorce?